Casual dating over 40 in the UK: starting again on your own terms

Is it normal to want something casual after divorce or a long relationship?

Completely normal. After years of shared calendars, joint finances and someone else's opinion on every decision, a lot of people want time to work out who they are on their own. Casual dating gives you company and connection without signing up to all of that again straight away.

Some people find it is exactly what they need for a year or two. Others discover they do want something more serious after all. Both are fine. The only rule worth keeping is that you are honest with yourself, and with the people you meet, about where you are right now.

It is worth giving yourself a bit of time if the break-up is very fresh. Not because there is a correct waiting period, but because dating while you are still raw tends to mean comparing everyone to your ex. If you catch yourself doing that on every date, it is a sign to slow down rather than give up.

How do you get your confidence back?

Most people feel rusty, and most people assume everyone else is more confident than they are. They are not. The person across the table at the pub is very likely just as nervous about whether their photos looked better than they do in real life.

Confidence at this stage of life usually comes from knowing what you want and not apologising for it. You have a job, a history, opinions, maybe kids, maybe a dog with strong views. That is not baggage to hide. It is the stuff that makes you interesting to talk to.

Start small. Chat to a few people without any pressure to meet. Then meet one for a quick drink. Every date that goes fine, even if there is no spark, makes the next one easier. Treat the early ones as practice and you will be surprised how quickly the nerves settle.

How upfront should you be about wanting something casual?

Very, but kindly. The most common source of hurt in casual dating is two people wanting different things and neither saying so. A short, honest line in your profile saves everyone time: something like 'Recently single, enjoying it, not looking for anything serious, but I do like proper conversation over a glass of wine.'

Choosing the right platform helps. On a mainstream app such as Tinder you will meet people looking for everything, so you have to be clearer. On a casual dating site such as C-Date, BeNaughty or SaucyDates, or an app like Feeld, which is built for open-minded and non-monogamous people, casual is the starting point rather than something you need to explain.

Being upfront also means being honest about the basics: your age, roughly what you look like now, and whether you are actually single. People over 40 tend to have little patience for profiles that turn out to be ten years and two stone out of date, and fair enough.

How do you keep it discreet from your kids, your ex and work?

You are entitled to a private life, and keeping casual dating separate from the rest of your world is sensible rather than secretive. Use a separate email address for dating, turn off app notifications that show message previews on your lock screen, and do not leave a dating site open on a shared family laptop or tablet.

If you have children, especially teenagers, think about what they might see. Many parents keep dating entirely out of the house at first and only introduce someone if things become serious. That is a personal call, but it is easier to choose to share later than to explain something your kids found by accident.

With an ex, the main risk is that dating details end up in a dispute about something else entirely. Keep messages respectful and avoid sending anything you would be embarrassed to see read out loud. With colleagues, the easiest rule is not to use photos that also appear on LinkedIn or your work profile, and to swipe past anyone from the office.

• A dedicated email address used for dating only.
• Lock screen message previews switched off.
• Nothing left logged in on shared devices.
• Dating photos that are not on your public social media.
• A username unrelated to your real name or job.

What photos should you use?

Recent ones. That matters more than anything else. Choose three to five photos from the last year or two that look like you on a good day, not you at a wedding in 2014. Natural light, a genuine smile and something that shows how you actually spend your time will do far more than a heavily filtered selfie.

If discretion matters, you can lead with photos that show your personality without showing your face clearly, such as a walk, a hobby or a holiday shot from behind, and share clearer pictures privately once you have chatted and feel comfortable. Most casual dating sites let you keep some photos private and share them with chosen members.

Keep everything clothed and everyday on your public profile. It is what most sites require, and it attracts people who want to get to know you rather than people who are just collecting pictures. If writing about yourself is the bit you dread, our bio generator can help you put a few honest lines together.

How fast should a first date go?

As slowly as either of you wants. Even when you have both been clear that you are after something casual, a first meeting is a chance to check that you actually like each other in person. An hour or two over a drink in a pub or a wine bar is enough. If it goes well, you can always arrange a second meeting.

Get yourself there and plan your own way home, whether that is the last train or a taxi you have booked. Tell a friend where you will be. These are habits, not signs of distrust, and anyone sensible will understand. Our first-date safety checklist has the full list, and our city guides suggest relaxed places for a first drink in London, Manchester, Birmingham, Leeds, Glasgow, Liverpool, Bristol, Edinburgh, Newcastle, Sheffield, Cardiff and Belfast.

If someone pushes you to skip the public meeting, wants to come straight to your home, or asks for money for any reason at all, that is the end of the conversation. Romance scams often target people who have recently come out of long relationships, and they almost always involve money sooner or later.

What do you need to know about sexual health?

If you have been in a long relationship, condoms and testing may not have crossed your mind in years. They need to now. Sexually transmitted infections do not care about age, and some can have no symptoms at all. Use condoms with new partners and get tested regularly, and after any new partner if you are unsure.

NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and you can usually book directly without seeing your GP. Many areas also offer free home testing kits you can order online and post back. The NHS website lists sexual health services near you, or you can search for your local sexual health clinic.

Talk about it before things get physical. Asking someone when they were last tested is an ordinary, grown-up question, and how they answer tells you a lot about how they will treat you generally. If anything goes wrong, such as a split condom, contact a sexual health clinic or pharmacy promptly, because some treatments work best when started quickly.

How do you choose a site or app over 40?

Use the same checks as anyone else, and do not let a slick homepage rush you. You want prices shown before you sign up, a clear way to cancel online, a named company behind the service, and terms that explain plainly how it works. Our guide to the best casual dating sites in the UK goes through those checks in detail.

Be particularly careful with trials. A cheap first month that rolls into a full-price subscription is easy to miss when you are busy. Note the renewal date the day you pay, and use our true cost of a trial calculator if you want to see what forgetting would cost. Our cancellation guides explain how to stop each service we cover, including when you have paid through Apple or Google.

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